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BREAKING NEWS: Twitter Announces Verification Endorsement Of Al Qaeda

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THIS STORY IS SATIRE.

Today, Twitter held a press conference in which they announced they will now be verifying terrorist organizations. This comes at a very controversial time as the organization continues to censor conservative media outlets and public figures.

Today they announced that they will verify Al Qaeda is the first terrorist organization on the platform. The Director of Operations for Twitter said they were proud to partner with such a strong organization.

It said the Twitter supports terrorists before they support the freedom of speech in this country. Jack Dorsey has said that he is proud of the work Twitter is doing to support terrorists.

THIS STORY IS SATIRE.

Democratic Governors Announce States Will Stay Closed Till Day After Election

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THIS STORY IS SATIRE.

Today, Democratic governors across the country announced that they will not open their states back up until the day after the 2020 presidential election. The goal is that if they can win properly they will make that announcement but if they cannot they will manipulate the mail-in ballots.

Department of Justice announced a federal investigation into the coronavirus pandemic. The subject of the investigation is the Democratic Party funding a virus to get through the 2020 presidential election. If true, this will be the first major terrorist attack on our country by a political party.

Nancy Pelosi, Joseph Biden, and Hillary Clinton applauded the Democratic Party for doing what they consider to be necessary in order to steal the election. “It’s not every day someone has the balls to stand up for what is necessary to defeat Donald Trump,” said House Speaker Nancy Pelosi.

Hillary Clinton said that the Democratic Party will do whatever needs to make sure that they win including cheat. When the press conference at her about deleting emails and how she can be trusted with mail-in ballots her response was priceless. She said “it happens.”

THIS STORY IS SATIRE.

Zombie Leader Urges People to “Train Their Brain” During Lockdown.

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***THIS IS SATIRE***

Los Angeles County Health Director and zombie commander Barbara Ferrer extended the lockdown in Southern California for months and introduced a new program “Train Your Brain”. According to Ferrer citizens need to keep their brains, “plump and juicy,” by doing mental exercises like crossword puzzles and sudoku.

Caption this:

Posted by Trump 2020 on Friday, May 15, 2020

“Isn’t it great to see the zombies looking out for the safety of the people of Los Angeles,” House Speaker Nancy Pelosi said while suppressing a hiccup. “I certainly could use to train my brain. Stay home, save lives.”

A viral post asking people to “Caption this:” received thousands of hilarious responses.

“God help us all if people listen to the zombies,” a man fleeing from California told us. “I mean it should be pretty obvious why they want us to train our brains and it’s not because they want us to be smarter. These zombies are hungry.”

The Los Angeles lockdown comes as an apparent alliance has been struck between the zombies, the obese, and the transgendered.

Hmmmnmm…..

Posted by Trump 2020 on Saturday, May 16, 2020

Once again for all the Karen’s and those who lack a sense of humor.

***This article was satire.***

Obama Arrested For Spying On Trump Campaign

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This story is satire of course but wishful thinking.

Late yesterday evening the Department of Justice in connection with the FBI rated the home former President Barack Obama. He was arrested in connection with an investigation into the 2016 presidential election and wiretapping that took place.

Furthermore, the FBI execute a search warrant removing thousands of files and electronic devices from the home of the Obama family.

Secret Service had no comment other than to say they would continue to protect the president in his new jail cell until such time as a court could rule on his need to stay in prison through a trial.

The president will remain in jail until such time as a magistrate judge can decide if he is a flight risk. Then if they determine he is not a bond amount will be set.

The pending charges are espionage and interference in the presidential election. An Obama spokesperson had no comment on the matter.

This story is satire of course but wishful thinking.

Joe Biden Tells American People Not To Vote For Him

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THIS PIECE IS SATIRE

In the face of allegations that former Vice President Joseph Biden engaged in inappropriate behavior when he was a member of the United States Senate he responded by saying “If they believe Tara Reade, they probably shouldn’t vote for me. I wouldn’t vote for me if I believed Tara Reade.” In a stunning turn of events, he is making history by telling the American people not to vote for him. No presidential candidate in the history of this country has ever said don’t vote for me.

Whoever is running Biden’s presidential campaign should be fired for incompetence. The former Vice President is giving great advice and telling everyone not to vote for him. These statements come from the accusation that he sexually harassed Tara Reade a former Senate staffer.

Biden has denied the claims and attempted to tell people to dismiss her accusations. This is a complete 180 from when Judge Kavanaugh was being considered for the High Court. Biden said that we should believe all women.

But of course, when the tables are turned he doesn’t care what other people think. He says that everyone should believe him and no one should even consider her accusations.

THIS PIECE IS SATIRE

Joe Biden Arrested For Touching Women And Children Sexually

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Earlier this evening Democratic presidential candidate Joe Biden was taken into custody. He was arrested in connection with inappropriate touching and violating the personal space of women and children across the country. As he touched his women without their consent many admitted to feeling extremely uncomfortable.

Joe Biden is at the same prison that his counterpart Hillary Clinton was taken to when she was arrested.

Joe Biden is being held on a $150k bond for the inappropriate touching and for violating consent under the law.

When the Chronicle reached out to Mr. Biden’s campaign they had no comment for the story before it was published. Mr. Biden is likely to address the American people once he is released from prison if that takes place.

This story is satire.

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BREAKING NEWS: Democrats Want To Tax Your Orgasms

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This story is satire.

Democrats announced late Sunday afternoon if they were looking forward to taxing your orgasms. This announcement comes after Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez needs to find money for her BS climate change agenda.

Democrats said they will they will require everyone to register into a database every time that they have sex. If the male or female ejaculate they will be required to click a red button that shows they did.

At the end of the year, the United States federal government will consider this part of your taxes. You’ll be required to pay $3 for every orgasm.

However, if you are gay or transgender you will not be required to pay this tax. Democrats consider you special and don’t want to hurt your feelings.

Only the heterosexual couples will be required to pay.

This story is satire. 

Senator Warren Sets Up Teepee In California For 2020 Presidential Campaign Headquarters

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This article is satire.

Senator Warren who is known for being 1/1024th Indian has set up a teepee in southern California for her campaign headquarters. At a press conference, Warren said she was glad to be rejoining her people.

She is running on a platform that anyone person can identify as Indian.

She has changed her Twitter handle to:

Sen. Warren is excited to fight for 1/1024th of her self.

Senator Cory Booker Reunites Native American Indian Terrorist With Family

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This article is satire.

Senator Cory Booker of NJ reunited a native American terrorist with his family shortly after new criminal justice law passed.

Shortly after the passage of the bill and his hug with Senator Chuck Grassley, Booker traveled to the State of Arizona at the border.

He went to the prison and told the guard that the terrorist had a legal right to be free. After murdering 100’s he deserved a second chance.

After being released into Booker’s custody the Senator took the terrorist to get an enchilada where was reunited with his family.

Shortly after being released the terrorist stole 100k from a rich white business man.

Alexandria Ocasio Cortez Admits That She Was Wrong

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This Story is SATIRE.

Congresswoman-elect Alexandria Ocasio Cortez admits to the Conservative Millennial that she thinks that it is capitalism that will help this country grow beyond where it is at now.

The Congresswoman-elect sat down with Allie Stuckey of CRTV to share her plans for her congressional seat.

She says the realization that she was uneducated on politics helped her to want to understand what she was talking about better so she did some research and she learned that competition is actually a good thing.

She went on further to say that stealing money from those who have worked hard for it is wrong. She says she will not longer fight to steal money from those who have spent their entire lives working for it.